BO-521-0382

I wanted to share something that has extremely humbled me today and also brought immense joy! The letters and numbers in the title of this entry are assigned to a little girl named Carolina Humacachu, and she lives in Bolivia, S. America. I began sponsoring her 4 years ago through Compassion International. The only reason I chose her out of a table full of photos of needy children is because she is the same age as my cousin, Karissa; I figured as I watched Karissa age and grow, I could imagine Carolina being in the same sort of developmental range. She's now eight and a half years old and is such a darling, beautiful girl. I have absolutely loved writing her letters, sending her pictures of me and my family, stickers, etc. She's always been too young to write me herself, but her tutor Claudia answered my letters and she colors pictures for me. I haven't received a letter from her in awhile, but I try writing when I can and of course pray for her and her family whenever I think of her. Her Mother is gone, and she moves around between Dad and her Grandparents.

Today I received a letter from her, and it brought tears to my eyes. It was the very first time she wrote a letter to me herself without her tutor 's help. I'm going to share the letter; bear in mind the translation is a bit rough.

Dear Miss Rachel Nieboer:

I greet you with the peace of our Lord Jesus Christ and that he always take care of you. I thank you for the gift that you sent me. I feel really happy because I thought that you forgot about me but I know that that didn't happened. I feel really happy. I was not going to the center because I was sad and I didn't want someone to see me, my father left far away to work and I don't see him a lot but to know from you I am still going to the center because I know that you will be with me even that you are far away. Thank you for everything, with the gift I bought a teddy bear and a dress. I feel really happy. I dismiss and our God bless you.

Carolina

This little girl a world away found hope again because God was gracious enough to use my small gift. I love this little girl whom I have never met; I carry her picture with me next to my family. In some way I can't quite name, I feel connected to her in a way that goes beyond the borders of countries, beyond language barriers, beyond an age gap, beyond a way that our finite human mind can describe with our limited words. She longs for her father in a way that I long for my brother. The thought that an eight year old girl is thinking about me and praying for me amidst all the struggles she faces daily is so incredibly humbling. I'm so grateful to God for putting her in my life, and I can't wait to keep writing letters and watching her grow up!!! Perhaps someday God will even provide a way for me to go and meet this small miracle.......oh blessed day!

Reading is a Way of Life ;)

One of my tremendous goals this summer was to read, read, read; but not only to read but to read with great comprehension. So much of the time I breeze through books and can barely remember what I read a day later. So, I've been underlining, writing in margins, journaling, pondering, and discussing with others to try and really pull something intense out of the summer. So far so good!!!! I wanted to make this blog only to encourage myself to keep it up and to see where I've been thus far......

Finished:

Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder: this was a fascinating story that basically summed up the history of philosophy; it was great though because it was also set to a fiction plot involving a 14 year old girl. So, the philosophical ideas were simplified. Interestingly, though not a "Christian" book, it also talked quite a bit about Jesus and His ideas as a world-philosophical-view.

Sex God by Rob Bell: I absolutely loved this book! It was one of those gifts from God that had just the right message and came at just the right time. Rob's message brings a sense of healing and value to heartbreak. "This is really about that."

Girl Meets God by Lauren F. Winner: I sped through this book, mainly I think because I love the way Lauren writes; it's almost like reading my thoughts. Though I didn't find what I was looking for in this book, she did pose some interesting questions. I admire her exceptional courage and her obviously incredible mind.

No Greater Love by Mother Teresa: Mama T is my new best friend :) Her outlook on life is one of the simplest I've ever encountered, yet also one of the most challenging. As I've encountered difficult circumstances since reading this book, I find myself asking what would Mamma do, and in turn what about Jesus? How did He approach situations like this, what would He have done or said? I find it has helped my perspective immensely.

Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse: this is the second time I've read this book, and I'm really glad I picked it up again this summer. Hesse has some moving insight into life, what is important in life, what the purpose of life is, ect. It took me awhile to get into it this time around, but it was worth the wait to get to the second half.

Currently Reading:
The Essential Gandhi by M.K.Gandhi: Gandhi is a man beyond words; his view of life and "civil-disobedience" is so inspiring to me. As I read I still feel at a loss as to how to apply his methods in today's world, but nevertheless I have so much to learn from him. Often I read a sentence that is so deep and intense I feel as though I could write an entire thesis on his one sentence! As so often is the case with the gems of human kind, I only regret that he was taken from us early. What would his advice have been for us today, how might the world be different?

Hope Rising by Kim Meeder: I have also read this book before, but it is one that inspired my career pursuit in helping kids. I read it in high school, and as I finished college I felt pulled to revisit it. It's a book written by a woman who is a Christ-follower and founded a ranch for youth with all kinds of issues. It's so moving because she tells the stories of not only the kids but also the horses (all the horses are rescued from abusive and neglectful homes). So basically she places broken kids and broken horses together and somehow God uses them to heal eachother. Someday I would love to possess the resources to do the same thing.

Mother Teresa: In My Own Words by Mother Teresa: a collection of her thoughts and quotes on various topics; some of the same material as No Greater Love, just more easily accessible. Still brilliant ;)

On the Docket:

Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge: I first read this book about a year and a half ago and it was absolutely amazing. It helped me so much in dealing with hurts and pain from past relationships/friendships that I can't really even describe in words. This has been a year and a half filled with huge changes and experiences, so I feel called to revisit this friend.

Praise habit by David A. Crowder: I absolutely adore David Crowder's music, and a friend recommended this book. From what I understand it's a collection of stories and anecdotes about various Psalms. The past 6 months the Psalms have become the bread and butter of my spiritual walk, so I'm excited to read it.

Serve God, Save the Planet: A Christian Call to Action by J. Matthew, M.D. Sleeth: the church I've been attending recently is focusing on Christians and our call to be warriors for the environment, something we've fallen quite short on. I'm really excited to try and circle my life around this philosophy of "God is Green." "Tree huggers for Jesus!" lol

Bridge Called Hope by Kim Meeder: This is Kim's sequel to hope Rising; I haven't yet read this one, so I can't wait to read even more stories about the kids and horses :)

A Salty Piece of Land by Jimmy Buffett: this will be a bit of a break from all the serious reading. It's a novel written by Jimmy about a guy that escapes to an island/beach environment to start a new chapter of his life. I love the beach and I love jimmy, so hopefully it'll be a worthwhile read!


When I was a senior in high school I read a bunch of books and poems and wrote a 100+ self-reflective paper. It's something that gave me a huge sense of self, of who I was, what I believed, and what I wanted to do. Now, as I step out on this new chapter in life I hope to do the same. Once I get through a good number of these books I plan to sit down and write and write and write like I did 5 years ago. Who knows, maybe I'll even run down to kinkos in the middle of the night to publish like I did last time :)

Jason's Serenade

So hilarious!

18-23

As I approach graduation from college, I feel myself approaching a precipice that I am ill-equipped to scale. Where do I go from here, what do I do, who do I keep close and depend on? I also find myself reflecting back to my last graduation, from high school, and how life has changed since then. The person I was in May 2002, she was so different from the person I now look at in the mirror every morning. She was fresh, young, a bit naïve and innocent perhaps, but ready to go out into the world with a strong sense of self and purpose. I knew who I was, what I believed, where I was going, and rarely had a doubt in my mind.

In some moments, I long to go back to that girl, to be that girl, to know who I am and what I’m doing here; I envy her! But at the same time, that is impossible in every way, and not necessarily desirable. Ignorance is not always bliss, and “the unexamined life is not worth living;” though back then I took much time and thought to examine my life, I did so with the same glasses that I had always been using. This is no longer the case, sometimes I feel like everyday I put on a new pair of glasses! I am weary and listless at the same time, a bit jaded but perhaps hopeful still. It has come with a terrible price, but as my friend Hemingway says, “There are some things which cannot be learned quickly, and time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring.” Sometimes I wonder how much I really accomplished in the last five years, how my life resume would appear. Have I truly changed for the better, have the costs been worth it after all? Or will I, five or ten more years down the road, be doing the same thing I am now, looking back to a 23 year girl who I then see as naive, misinformed at best, and waiting on the world to change for me. I hope that is not the case, but I really can't spend too much time dwelling on it. I do believe it is important to keep in mind how our actions have the tendency to affect us down the road; that said, there is enough work to fill today without adding on the worry of tomorrow, for which of us is even guaranteed a tomorrow?

Though I prepare to leave college lacking in a sense of myself (I feel more fractured than ever in my life), I also feel like I have learned a great deal. I may not have the sense of wholeness that I used to possess, but all the little pieces that I now call “Rachel” are mine and of me. They have not come from what I was told to feel or believe, or from another person’s experience or worldview, and are not based purely on reaction to other people and what they will think of me. I may be in pieces, but all the pieces are mine, no others. ( I have of course gathered wonderful advice and encouragement from many along the way, but I no longer blindly ascribe to the words of those I admire or see as an authority above me). Even the pieces of me I'm not exactly proud of, that I may try to keep secret from almost everyone I know, even they have provided me with a perspective I may otherwise have never seen. Who knows how God will use these somewhere down the road.

My experiences since high school have included many joys that I try to remind myself of everyday, though I often struggle. One thing I have learned, though, is that I learn nothing about myself when life is going great; it is in the pain and tragedy that who I am begins to fall into place. Perhaps that is one explanation for human suffering in the world of a God who defines love; thought for another time. I could never have in my wildest dreams imagined what experiences awaited me in the five years of college. I look back at some of the situations I endured and I wonder how I made it through those days. I say this not to glorify myself in any way because my survival is a testament to God and God alone; I am weak and without God I would be, well, I can’t even imagine.

So as the days continue to push me forward, I prepare to step out into the unknown. Unlike my last graduation, I have no idea what’s going on. In some ways I am more alone in this life than I ever have been before; I have been rejected, walked away from, and forgotten many times. But never by God, and He always seems to provide just what I need to get by. I have also been surprised in miraculous ways, accomplished and seen things that I never thought I would, and experienced great love. So if I have just one friend, one dollar to my name, and one dream left, how much more room is left for God to fill with amazing things!

:)

Funny Stuff....

In honor of exam week coming up, something to give me a good laugh and let off some stress; laughter is the best medicine!

A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.

The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on?

"I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''

lol! ;)

In the Quiet

I feel the need for a brief disclaimer here: this blog has been floating around in my head for the past few weeks, and I only now find myself able to gather everything together coherently. There may be more to come, but for now this is where I find myself. It is something of a journal/confession, so some of it is uncomfortable to share, but I feel the need to get it out and unburden myself a bit. Plus, I don't think too many people read this blog all that much :)

This last year, and this semester especially, have brought me to a whole new starting point. At my small group tonight, the topic of pruning trees was brought up; this was only a small part of the discussion but has stuck with me greatly. Olive trees (or any tree I suppose) will grow and grow, but eventually will cease to bear fruit; they need to be pruned back and given the chance to start over and begin to bear fruit again. My life has been pruned back lately, and I have yet to see the fruit that is promised to arrive. But I know that it's coming. I'm not even sure that the pruning is done yet.

I am spiritually back to basics: just God and me. The recent death of a friend and saying good-bye to my brother as he goes off to war gave me a reality check in which I was overwhelmed with despair and lashed out at God because of it. How could He let these things happen, how could He seemingly abandon me in this crisis, how does He expect me to keep going as if everything is ok? The world moves on unchanged for those around me, but my life as I know it made a 180 degree turn. I truly believe that in times of pain we lash out at those we love the most because we know that they will never leave us, no matter how obnoxious we may be. As a young girl/teen, I remember having arguments with my dad and being so angry with him; I’d say things that I never meant and declare my hatred for him as I stormed off. On a few occasions, after such an episode, he would leave. My dad has had anger issues and in the past did some things that weren’t so good, so as I aged he began to just leave the situation rather than do something he’d later regret. Looking back I know that this was wise of him to do, but as a girl seeing my dad pull out of the driveway terrified me more than anything he’s ever done in the house. You see, as angry as I may have been, I wanted to know he was there. It’s the same with my heavenly Father. I’ve been so angry that I wanted nothing to do with Him, but I also wanted to know He was still out there, waiting for me.

Days went by, and all the questions I kept asking had no answers. I began to realize that life was moving on , and I would never be given answers to many of the questions I asked, at least not in the way I desired. I needed a reason to keep pushing forward when it seemed as though every step took all the energy I could muster, and everything that could possibly go wrong happened. But I guess that's the thing, if you're sitting around waiting for life to go wrong, you'll see every little frustration that occurs and turn it into a piece of a tragedy. I wanted so badly to blame God for everything; I told myself over and over He had abandoned me. But God wasn't listening, and He wouldn't give up on me. It became impossible to see that His provision was all around me. From something as simple as catching my bus to campus when I should have missed it to discovering a spare key randomly when I thought I was locked out of the house in the snow and had no one to help me get back in to a substantial amount of money that was given to my family from a place we never would have expected it to come from (the interesting thing is that though we certainly needed the money, the gesture in and of itself probably meant more to us than anything, we just needed to know someone cared). These are things I never even asked for, but God provided them anyway despite my stubborn boycott.

God speaks to me in the quiet, and one day when I awoke from a nap after a good cry, I heard "Everything is not lost." Hhmmmm, ok, then something that continually followed my thoughts was “read through the Psalms.” I ignored it for days, but it kept following me and eventually on Easter I found myself in the midst of a fruitless sermon (sorry, that’s not very nice) and decided I had nothing better to do than flip through some of the Psalms. I haven’t stopped reading them. When I read the raw emotion of the writers, the open hurt, pain, loneliness and sense of abandonment rang so true to my heart. If these great men of the Bible were allowed to feel in such ways, than it must be ok for me as well. So, I kept reading and kept reading, and I couldn’t escape the fact that all of the Psalms of lament that I read, despite how hopeless the voice seemed, they always ended in a shout of praise and affirmation that God would save them, all but one.

I began to understand that life is going to move on, and it is going to be very, very hard. It’s not as if there will be a day where suddenly everything will be better. I'll still have worse days than others, days when I will cry and grieve and long, but I will also make it through those days, go to sleep, wake up the next day and continue on. People speak about “moving on” as if it is this huge unapproachable concept; it is a process, I suppose, but essentially it is nothing more than putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to keep moving.

Then the other day God surprised me. I felt as though I had pulled myself through the worst of it and was ready to move away from the past few weeks, and I let God back in. I was feeling pretty darn good. Then God began speaking to me, and what He said filled me with dread. I had pulled myself through it. If I went on right now and didn’t look back, eventually it would catch up with me somewhere down the road. God was calling me back to the deep darkness; He wanted me to go through it with Him. Since I had pushed God away previously, I had in a sense covered my eyes with my hands and ran through all of the pain and all of the questions as fast as I could in order to get to the other side. I jimmy-rigged everything my own way and wanted to keep going. Go back? Ha! Yeah right! I felt fear filling my every thought. “Come back, turn around, and go with Me. Experience it with Me, allow Me to heal you and carry you to the other side. Depend on Me for your strength. I have calmed greater waters and brought down higher mountains than this.” Wow, ok.

So here I am, squinting through blurry eyes, only barely beginning to have conversation with God, and clinging to the Psalms with every fiber in my body. The valley is awaiting, but the feeling is not the same. My God goes before me as if into battle, for “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."

Prune away.

Interview with God

*Here I go, one toe in the water......*

Interview with God

I'm not exactly sure how to describe this, not even sure how to describe my reaction(s) to it. It seems almost too simple, but it has left me with a sense of calm and peace each time I view it despite my having been struggling spiritually as of late. At first reading, many of the lines are almost too obvious, but after thinking about them they are actually quite challenging to truly absorb and put into practice. If you follow the link, I hope you enjoy it; if nothing else, the photography is spectacularly beautiful!

What a Poem.....

A Psalm of Life

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
"Life is but an empty dream!"
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
"Dust thou art, to dust returnest,"
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us further than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world's broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe'er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act -- act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o'erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o'er life's solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labour and to wait.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I love Longfellow, and I'm afraid if I try and even comment on the poem, I'll ruin it in some way. How can you explain poetry to another person? Every soul reads it differently. I can read and re-read this poem and still not really understand it, finding some new meaning each time. But I guess I will say that it certainly makes me want to get out and tackle life with my head held high, no matter how hopeless or frustrating things may seem!

My Beautifully Inadequate Grapefruit Tree

So, I have this "sort of" grapefruit tree in my room; I say "sort of" because it doesn't fit the normal requirements of what one would consider a tree. It's only about two feet tall, doesn't have a lot of leaves, and has never produced anything remotely close to a grapefruit. I still affectionately call it my grapefruit tree. I've had it for quite a few years now, and I would certainly say I am quite attached to it.

It all started when I was in 5th grade and accompanied my mom to the hospital on "take your daughter to work day;" I must have been about 11 years old. My mom had a grapefruit for lunch, and two of the seeds in the grapefruit she brought to eat had sprouts on them. So, I being the type of kid who was always trying to grow plants, save rocks, catch bugs, and press flowers decided to keep the starts and try to grow them.

Alas, one of them did not survive despite my best efforts of care; the other however did pull through. So, even though it may not be the most glorious example of a tree, I think it has grown quite nicely from the little seed my mom almost threw out. I've taken this little tree with me wherever I have lived, and I can't quite explain the affection I have for it. Perhaps it simply connects me to a simpler, purer period of my life.

It's almost like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree; there's not much to it. Periods of growth come and go, sometimes it won't grow a bit for months. A couple of times nearly all of the leaves fell off dead; another time I cut off the top of it to try and get it to branch out instead of growing straight up. I thought for sure I'd killed it; but sure enough, one day the little sprouts began to push out of the bark. Anytime it starts to have new sprouts of baby leaves, my heart rejoices!

This Tuesday was one such day, and the symbolism this little tree testifies to is absolutely amazing; it has brought me to tears :) Just this weekend I was worried because several of its leaves had shriveled up and fallen off; I was so afraid that it was dying! But no, only days later there were beautiful, new bright green little baby starts pushing out through the branches. One little sprout is coming straight out of the trunk through the bark!

I don't think I need to explain what this specifically means to me; I'm sure that it would be different for each person. In that moment, God spoke straight into my heart saying, "Look child, and listen; yes, some of the leaves had to die and fall away. That's not the end! Wait and in time new growth will come. Four or five leaves may have fallen, but twice as many new sprouts have taken their place! I needed to get rid of some old to put our energy in the new. I will not waste energy on that which is already dying."

Isn't it beautiful how God can speak to us in the simplest of experiences if we will just pay attention? It worries me how many opportunities I may have missed because I was too distracted...

At this moment I fear this little blurb about me and my homely little tree is a bit foolish, but I guess I would prefer to err towards what people see as foolish rather than the alternative....after all, aren't we all beautifully inadequate?

Just for chuckles ;)

Thought I'd throw in something with a bit of humor to lighten up all these "serious" postings! This was originally an email a friend sent to me:

Words Women Use:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying #!?!@$%

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to #3.

The real question is whether it's funny because it's true or because it's ridiculous....hhmmmmmm.........you're answer would probably depend on your gender :)

A Sociological Perspective

I have a really sweet soc class this semester that has been really challenging, in both the amount of work it requires and the amount of mental effort. However, I'm beginning to see some fruit from this prof's insistence that we not only know these theories, but learn to look at our own lives through the glasses of these theories. The thing that has been really significant for me is that I've been able to start applying what I'm learning in my soc class to my faith. In my college career so far, which is basically all of it since I'm graduating in 2 months (yay!), all of my classes have cast any kind of religious faith in a very negative light. I was beginning to think that academic sociology and religion could not work together; this is changing for me now, and I'm so happy!

There are two theories specifically that I've been thinking a lot about lately, looking glass self and role play theory. Looking glass self is the idea that we form our identity based on how we think other people see us. We imagine how other people see us, we imagine how others will judge us based on this appearance, and then we form our identity based on all of this.

Role play theory states that within our society there are specific expectations that exist in different situations, and roles provide the patterns we should follow in these situations. This is pretty much common sense; any thinking adult in society is aware of certain expectations that coexist with roles . The interesting thing is that according to this theory, we often assume roles that we may not necessarily buy into; however, the patterns associated with each role that we are expected to follow seem to almost cause us to soon believe in these roles. So, for example, "the professor putting on an act that pretends to wisdom comes to feel wise, the preacher finds himself believing what he preaches, the soldier feels ready for battle by marching in formation." So, society pressures us into assuming various roles, believe in them or not, and by simply "going through the motions" we eventually fully embrace the role.

Now, I'm certainly not saying that either of these roles is 100% true and reliable; but I do think that there is truth to each, at least as I look at my own life and those around me. We seem to take those who are closest to us (parent, spouse, close friend) and begin to see ourselves the way that they see us. We internalize these judgements and use them to define who we are. Obviously, this can be a very good thing or a very bad thing. However, I grew up with amazing parents who always supported me and never gave me cause to doubt their love, and I still have doubts sometimes about how other people view/judge me. I find myself constantly wondering what other people are thinking about me, why they are thinking what I think they are thinking, and whether I should do something to try and change what I think that they are thinking; it all sounds so ridiculous!

What the heck does all this have to do with my faith? Well, as Christians all this worrying what others are thinking should be wiped away. We've all heard the good ol' Sunday school answer "God made us just as we are and loves us just as we are." That's so nice. *sigh....warm fuzzies* Sounds too easy. As I think about these two sociological theories, however, it takes on a different form. Using looking glass self, when we think about how others see us and form our self-concept based on that, we shouldn't be looking to parents, spouses, or best friends. Jesus should be the one closest to us in our lives; we should be looking at ourselves through His eyes. The implications of this are huge!!!!

I would have to see myself in a completely new way if I truly lived the idea of the looking glass self with Jesus. He sees me with nothing but perfect, unchanging love. He sees no sin; it isn't just forgiven but also forgotten, completely erased from His memory. He thinks I'm amazing, terrific, wonderful, etc. simply because I am His. Of course this doesn't mean I shouldn't strive to be better each and every day, but I shouldn't feel the need to doubt myself or judge myself based on human judgements. If I had been the only person God ever created in all of eternity, Jesus still would have chosen the cross for me. That's how much I'm worth to Him! If I form my identity based on love like that.....holy cow.

Now to play with role theory a bit: if I step into the role of the blessed daughter who never needs to doubt the love of her Father and can face the world head on with an unwavering rock, than according to role theory I will eventually begin to fulfill and believe in the role. This is hopeful to me, because it means that when I struggle, when I do have doubts, if I press on than perhaps the pattern of belief will produce true belief. (?)

Perhaps this is all junk, I don't know. I've just been throwing the ideas around a bit. But if any of it is a teeny bit true, especially using Christ as my looking glass......well, this changes everything.

*credit for spawning these thoughts goes to a message from Tony Campolo and a book by Peter Berger called Invitation to Sociology: a Humanistic Perspective

Machinery vs Language

My thoughts have been a bit scattered as of late, but I hope, and pray, that they are slowly beginning to come together, piece by piece; if not, then I suppose I will continue to live in the mystery :) Here's a thought:

In our modern world, we as a society have made an image of God as a machine operator. With the induction of the industrial revolution, our concept of the world became one that was run by rules and laws, from Newton's laws about how the world works to Darwin's proposition about the beginning of life; so, we altered God to fit into this concept. The highest "rank" you can give to someone in this arena is that of engineer or machine operator; he is one who is in charge, decided when to change things, when to fix things, and is supposed to take the blame whenever things fall apart.

These laws seem to make things so much simpler, at least at first; but we soon run into a problem, a big one. With all of the laws coming into place we remove all mystery about the world and God. We feel entitled to know all the answers and insist on an explanation for every situation. This isn't quite how God works, at least not in my experience. We can make all the rules and titles we want for Him, it doesn't mean any of it is truly applicable or that He will cooperate.

It is impossible to know God without being able to accept the mystery; He has made us purposely incomplete so that we will crave more. More from our community of believers and more intimacy with Him. By reaching out to and living alongside our fellow brothers and sisters, along with God's creation all around us, we are given the gift of finding a lost part of ourselves restored to us again. If everything in life could be explained away with some nice little textbook answer, we would never have any reason to look outside ourselves and look into another person.

When looking at laws and the world, one suggestion has been to discard the machine approach and look at it more as language. Language is a functioning entity, and it is made up of grammatical rules of all sorts. These rules are important, but they pale in comparison to what they accomplish, what they produce: words, poetry, music, speech, meaning. What is made possible is so much more important than what makes it possible; this is the mystery. We need rules and laws, yes, but to place them in the position of utmost importance is foolish; we do this only because we are most comfortable with what we most understand. It is so much easier to live amongst the rules alone, but eventually one would go mad if trying to answer spiritual questions solely with reason.

"Poetry is sane because it floats easily in an infinite sea; reason seeks to cross the infinite sea, and so make it finite." One cannot explain God and how He fits into our world using our own terms, our own logic, our own rules (whether one is speaking of how the world was created, why there is so much suffering if God is a loving God, what does it mean to live in the world but not be of it, where can there be hope in a world gone to pot, or any other of the innumerable questions we wrestle with). It would be like trying to play a treble clef instrument when reading bass clef music; everything would sound ridiculous and it wouldn't make a bit of sense! But I think that we as Christians are called to step up to the plate, let go of our society's insistence on complete knowledge, and live our lives embracing the mystery.

To call God simply a machine operator is near insulting. He is the great poet, fluent in all of our languages, astute in all of our laws. Our Abba ;)

I'm not sure if this makes sense at all outside of my head, hopefully it's not complete rambling! Btw, I need to give a lot of credit to Tony Campolo and the books Generous Orthodoxy and The Story We Find Ourselves In by Brian Mclaren for sparking this conversation.

Jars of Clay 1/13/07

This weekend I got the chance to see Jars of Clay for the umpteenth time, and as usual they were amazing. I have a lot of admiration for these guys. They have a truly distinctive sound and an incredible talent to write music. Their style, though uniquely theirs, has displayed the ability to adapt over the years. The songs capture the complete range of human experience, and they seem unafraid to tackle even the most complex issues. Since 2002, they have also become intimately involved with a group working in Africa to provide wells to villages without clean drinking water. Through everything, their faith in and commitment to God has been unwavering.

Recently I began to look back over my "history" with them. It's interesting to think about because though I obviously do not know them personally, I feel, in a way, as though we're friends! That may come off kind of weird, but I have a genuine point. I've been listening to their music since they began approximately 12 years ago, give or take. I still remember sitting in my 7th grade class talking to a friend about this new band called Jars of Clay. At that time I thought it impossible for a band to be both Christian and rock; but eventually I listened to it and never stopped. My first "celebrity crush" was on one of the guitar players; I was sure I would marry him one day ;)

As I look over my itunes playlist, so many individual songs bring back particular memories. It's funny how songs can do that, trigger memories and all of a sudden you're back in a moment from years ago. That's a truly beautiful thing about music. So when I say I have a history with them, my perspective is that God has used their music uncountable times to accompany me through grief, fear, joy and awe. Listening to their music is almost like chatting with an old friend or wrapping myself in a warm blanket; it brings comfort and familiarity. I'm so glad their music has been a part of my life, and I can't wait to see what their future brings.

Hopefully this doesn't make me sound like too much of a weird groupie, but if it does, oh well. I like what I like. They may be no David Crowder, but they're just right to me. I wouldn't have compared the two in the first place ;)




The crew: Katie, Nicole, Myself, and Sean-y.



Not the greatest avenue for pics, but oh well.
I've seen them enough I know what they look like!

Isaiah 1:18

Come now,
let us argue this out
says the Lord
No matter how deep the stain of your sins
I can remove it
I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow
Even if you are stained as red as crimson
I can make you as white as wool.

Isaiah 1:18 NLV

ARK: day one

OK, so I'm completely exhausted right now, for a plethora of reasons; but I wanted to put at least a small blurb on here about my first day at the ARK. I'll find time to expand my thoughts later.

For reasons I still can't quite put my finger on, I was literally terrified of starting work today. I was scared, plain and simple, and I felt ready to bolt. Walking into the building this morning, I haven't felt that kind of dread in a long time. Ever since Friday, when I scheduled my first shift, I have been praying to God constantly for courage and strength to at least give this a chance.

I won't sit here and say that everything is all picture perfect and all of my fears were completely irrational. It will be hard in the beginning until I get used to life at the ARK; even after I've come to the point where I'm comfortable and situated, I will still have days when I will wonder what I'm doing in this place. However, for now at least, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. Now the excitement and fear are at least in equal proportions, with excitement most likely taking up the lead.

Today I only had three kids, all of whom are very easy to be around; I had a very easy first day. It won't last. Perhaps God in all of His awesome wisdom knew that I needed an easy first day; if it had been nightmare-ish heaven knows there's a good chance I would've made a run for it! Anyhow, I survived the day with nothing to complain about save for a bit of a headache. I also learned two really fun cardgames!

I have no idea where this place will take me, or how this is going to fit into my ever-increasingly over scheduled life. But God is telling me to make room, so make room I will. More to come......

This is the ARK's building, rented from Hackett Catholic High School, near the corner of Westnedge and Kilgore. They actually only use the bottom floor.

The Long Way Around

"My friends from high school

Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around"

8/14/04

For now, this is for me....

"Victory is won not in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later win a little more"

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction....The chain reaction of evil - hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars - must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."
- Martin Luther King Jr.

....I may expound later. Paix.