My Life As I've Seen It: 2006

I wanted to do a picture review of '06, so here goes:






Last trip with Jake before basic; we spent a week at Aunt Mary's in Siesta Key, FL. SO beautiful!!!!//My 22nd bday.// Jake's family day; our first view of him in weeks!// Spring break in Cocoa Beach, FL. What a great view from the room!//Graduation from basic at Fort Knox, KY. Almost free!//



Went out West for the first time with my brother on his way out to Seattle; this is our stop at the corn palace in S. Dakota.//Me regarder à Paris!!!//Visiting Jake in Seattle; this is a bronze pig actually named Rachel at Pike’s Place Market.//




Visiting Lucy out in Iowa.//Smokin’ hotties@ Julia’s wedding.//David Crowder Band: his music has inspired and challenged my worldview in the past year.//First Ohio State game with Jason! So awesome, can’t wait to go again!//




In NYC for the first time with old friend Carissa; what a world to live in. This is Carrie’s stoop from Sex & the City.//Thanksgiving in Seattle with the family.// Steppin’ it up with Josh; we’re on our way to The Sound of Music @ the Civic.//Me and the guys on our way to Chicago. We rock. Period.//



Jake arriving home for Christmas; this is what happiness looks like :)//The cousins at the progressive dinner. Obviously this is the candid shot, we’re not always this attractive.//Christmas dinner @ Grandma’s; notice how everyone is smiling!//Present time! Our new hats are so sweet!//

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It's amazing to look back at these pictures and realize how much has happened in one year, especially since it goes by so quickly! I've traveled places, seen things, and had experiences that I'll never forget. I love pictures, especially when they capture moments that are filled with so much joy. The thing is though, there are so many moments that are never captured by photograph, and often they are the ones I want most to never forget! Perhaps this is because they are memories filled emotion more than anything, which of course will never be properly expressed in a photograph.

The year has been like most others in many ways: filled with laughter, tears, joy, and confusion. It does stand apart though. I've done things and survived through things that never in my wildest dreams did I think I would see or survive. I saw the Eiffel tower and Trevi Fountain, the Rocky Mountains, my brother graduate from basic training, New York City and an Ohio State football game! I've made new friends, revisited old ones, and repaired splintered friendships. I've learned the value of family and friendship, and how to balance them both.

Most importantly, I've completely re-evaluated my faith in God, and everything which goes with that (which is just about everything!). Everything that I thought made me a "bad" Christian has slid away, and I've found myself fresh and challenged in all new ways the past year. God carried me through incredible pain and suffering, and he danced with me during indescribable joys and peace. I have absolutely no idea where the next year will take me, and that's ok. All I know is that God will be with me, and He has great plans :)

Happy New Year all! God is so GOOD!

~~Rach~~

Trials, temptation, whatever you want to call it.......

"We never have more than we can bear. The present hour we are always able to endure. As is our day, so is our strength. If the trials of many years were gathered into one, they would overwhelm us....but all is so wisely measured to our strength that the bruised reed is never broken "

" So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. "
I Corinthians 10:12-13



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Sometimes I think that God has a lot more faith in me than I have in myself.....and I am so deliriously glad that He does. Some of the best things I have in my life right now have come out of the worst circumstances I have survived. These trials are things I would never choose for myself. People always quote the famous poem about choosing to take the road less traveled, which is a nice thought, but I don't think that it usually works like that. Rarely are we given an opportunity to look at two choices, one seemingly easy and another difficult, and are able to "decide" which one to take. Granted, I can think of times where it has happened, but not very often. Usually our most difficult of journeys are thrust upon us without much input from us on the matter. Who in their right mind would choose to go through some of the things people have to survive in their lives? I certainly know I wouldn't.

However, if I were to never face such dark times, points in my life where I wonder what the point is to go on, when I think that if one more thing in my life were to fall apart I would lose my mind, and I feel as though I can only see a couple of inches ahead of myself because the pain seems to cloud my view and prevent me from seeing clearly, if I had not gone through those types of experiences, my life would not be what it is today. I would never learn how much I actually am able to survive through. Sometimes I look back and wonder, how the hell did I make it through that? What gave me the motivation to keep going?

Which leads to the real point of all this: if trials never came my way, I would never have the opportunity to see how incredible and powerful and faithful God is! He is the only reason I made it through anything; He is the motivation for me to keep moving, even if at times I barely seem to be inching along. I know that He is patient and will crawl along beside me. It makes me think of the foo-foo love songs where the woman talks about how she wants a man to not walk behind her or lead her but to walk beside her. That's how I see Jesus, walking along beside me wherever I go. This literally brings tears to my eyes right now because I feel so undeserving but so unquestioningly loved at the same time.

The sad thing is, I am human, and I need to be reminded of this from time to time. I try so hard to leave everything in my life to God and trust Him to work things out and when things do get difficult, I try to turn to Him for my comfort and guidance. Unfortunately, it's so easy to try and control everything myself, and when that doesn't work, to look to those around me whom I care about to fill the holes in my heart that are left vacant when I push God away. I've been doing this a lot lately, and with one friend in particular, and to that person I must say that I am truly sorry. If you failed me, which I don't think that you did, then it is my fault because I set you up to fail; no person in this world can fill the part of my heart that is reserved for God. Please forgive me.

On a side note, I want to say a bit about the difference in translations of the Bible. First of all I've learned I need to spend more time memorizing scripture because it took me 30 minutes to find this verse in a Bible verse search engine. I remembered the basic idea of the verse, but not where it was or what it said specifically. So that was kind of embaressing! Anyhow, I finally found it and it was very interesting to compare the different translations. I chose this one because of the last line: "he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Another version instead of saying "stand up under it (temptation)" it said "so you can push through it." When thinking about temptation and trials, I like to think of myself as not only pushing through the pain and hardship, but standing up under it thanks to God's strength.

Oh I wanna go back to Ohio State.....

This is why there will be NO rematch:



So much for the incredible UM defense. GO BUCKS!

*sigh* the night.... :)

“I know the night is not the same as the day: that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started.” Hemingway
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What is it about the night that seems to scare us so? As children, my brother and I were always afraid of the dark, cherishing our night-light as if it were made of pure gold. The worst threat our parents could lay upon us when we didn't honor bedtime was to threaten to take away the light; thoughts of the ensuing darkness terrified us into obedience (usually, that is, there were a couple of occasions where we faced the darkness). Though I have left the night-light behind, these fears, in other ways, still linger.

Darkness itself is used in a variety of metaphors and symbols, most often pertaining to something bad, scary, evil, or challenging. When someone is going through a "dark time," we know they are wrestling with some sort of difficulty in their life. Often, odd shapes and noises that kick up the adrenaline at night, in the dark, show themselves as harmless coat-racks or furnaces once the light is turned on; we laugh at our foolishness and go back to bed. But is it so foolish? Should we view things in the light the same way we do during the night? I'm not sure.

When I find myself surrounded by darkness and I know that the night won't be ending anytime soon, I face a couple of options. I can act as if nothing is even wrong, go on with life as usual, and smile to those around me to keep their lives, and mine, more simple. In my experience this has proven to be nothing but destructive in the end; nothing gets resolved, I become a shell of a person, I have no energy for truly valuable things because it is all spent on maintaining the facade, and those I care about not only don't truly know me, but I deny them the chance to be my friend. The other option is to allow myself to experience whatever it is I'm going through, whatever it may be: grief, loss, confusion, loneliness, fear, anger, place anything you like here. This, for me at least, is difficult to do, because I have been taught to stay strong, don't make life difficult for those around you, and to just get over it as quickly and quietly as possible. Sometimes, to search for whatever I need, I need to wallow. I need to be pouty and self-absorbed. I'm not saying make life miserable for those around you, that's not nececcary; but I am saying to allow myself to completely experience my emotions and feelings, no matter what they are, to push through the awkwardness until I can get to the other side to see what God is doing, that is awesome. This sounds crazy, but it's not easy being "depressed." I avoid it, I can feel it coming, building; but there's a point where it needs to be faced.

It's in the midst of this "night" where the innocent coat-racks can suddenly become intruders or aliens or ghosts (whatever creeps you out) and all of a sudden instinct and pure emotion run the show. We do the best we can, we work through it and deal with it in the only way we know how. Often it seems absurd, unjustified, childish or even selfish to anyone on the outside looking in; what is to be done about this? I don't know. Perhaps apologize, perhaps warn them, perhaps nothing. Where does this feeling come from, this sense that we must constantly apologize to others for the way in which we deal with our struggles? Why is someone who is suffering made to feel as if they must constantly justify the fact that they really are suffering? Isn't the fact that they feel like they're suffering enough for us to show compassion, share love, and extend a helping hand? That's a lot of questions, to which I have no firm answers; the "answers" may be different for every person.

One thing I do know is that once the night ends, and a new day dawns, all that happened in the darkness suddenly seems to take on a foreign appearance. Even the one who went through the night, who experienced the grief or pain or whatever, even they will look back with questioning eyes. As Mr. Hemingway so eloquently stated, "the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist;" when standing in the daylight, I find it nearly impossible to explain what happened during the night. The feelings and emotions that drove me through that night, that point of view, are gone, and the same perspective cannot be achieved in the daytime. When questioned about why I did a particular thing, my reply is often an honest "I don't know."

This is why, I think at least for me, I sometimes find myself stammering for the right words when attempting to describe some past experience to a friend. How can I put words to something that I went through in the past that will truly capture what I was experiencing at the time? In a way, I can't; for I myself may not understand anymore. I'm left feeling confused and sometimes a bit embarressed at my apparent inability to properly express myself!

Bottom line: I don't think we should be so quick to try and force people out of their "funk." I don't think we should second-guess what a person says they're feeling or experiencing and automatically try to "fix" them. I do think we should love, enncourage and pray for them. I think we should let them know we're there for them, but then give them the credit to work through it themselves.

One last thought: I've come to love the night in many ways, it's the best time to see the stars ;)

Then and Now

Rachel and Jacob

ages 8 and 10

ages 20 and 22

• It takes two men to make one brother. ~Israel Zangwill
  
• If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother. ~Sam Levenson
  
• The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble. ~Clara Ortega
  
• After a girl is grown, her little brothers - now her protectors - seem like big brothers. ~Astrid Alauda
  
• To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time. ~Clara Ortega
  

Anyone up for a garage sale?

Sorrows cannot all be explained away in a life truly lived, grief and loss accumulate like possessions.

~Stefan Kanfer

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Is it possible, that sorrows can really be compared to something as simplistic as possessions? My first response is No! that's too easy. For at any moment I can simply toss just about any one of my possessions into the trash can and never see it again. Any person who has survived a sorrow of any kind, which is all of us, can attest to the fact that sorrows are not so easily discarded.

If, however, Mr. Kanfer is referring to a particular type of possession, those that never quite seem to go away, then I find myself agreeing wholeheartedly. I'm not talking about necessities; I'm talking about something random, something that you always talk yourself into keeping for no logical reason, something that probably serves no real purpose. It most likely lives in a box or under the bed or in a closet; rarely does it even see the light of day. I, as an "emotional female," have many of these sorts of items, ranging from pictures to letters to random trinkets. Rarely, if ever, do I look upon these items; but to throw them away seems like such a heinous crime!

My sorrows, griefs, and losses are these possessions that I cling to. They never truly seem to go away, no matter how long it has been, no matter how much I've "moved on," no matter how much I ignore them. Just as certain pesticides and chemicals can never be completely cleaned out of the earth, certain losses will always leave something behind, even in the tracest amounts. This weekend I received news that nearly threw me for a loop; it brought back a sorrow that occurred several years ago. I have not dealt with or processed this sorrow in so long that I literally sat motionless for a period of time in an attempt to process this news. I truly thought this was not something I was holding onto, that I had experienced the loss and had moved on. Apparently I was mistaken, for I suddenly found myself sucked back into the anger and pain! However, at the same time I felt a sense of control over these emotions. A choice is before me now: do I allow these feelings to overwhelm and consume me? or do I allow myself to experience them in as healthy a perspective as I am capable of, make use of the resources I have acquired since the last time I was confronted with this issue, and turn it over to God?

It is clear to me that my room of sorrows may have a few more occupants than I wish were there; however, I can also appreciate the fact that they will never completely leave. For if they were to disappear, how would I retain any knowledge that I gained from surviving the experience? Sometimes I need these sorrows of life to pop up and remind me of where I've come from, what I've endured, and how strong I really can be. If they were gone, I could never use them to empathize and lend support to a friend who is going through a similar situation. I would never be truly grateful for how good I have it now unless I have something lesser to compare it to. I would not be able to fully appreciate a God who takes the ugliest of circumstances and makes use of them for good.

This is not to say that I am impenetrable and this weekend's news hasn't affected me; I am in a bit of a "woe is me" attitude at the moment. However, at least I can admit that I have a problem, that's the first step, right ;) I also find that I am able to separate myself from moments of wallowing and approach everything with a bit of humor and perspective. Hopefully this makes sense to anyone reading it; sometimes the thoughts swirling about in my head fall out onto the screen and suddenly seem quite non-sensical! If it is all still random after my attempts to edit, I apologize; but thanks for reading anyways!

Thanksgiving what?

I must say that this was a Thanksgiving like no other; I had anticipated it, I knew it was coming. Regardless, I have to say that I approached it with a rather poor attitude. You see, I am a creature of habit, especially around the holidays. I love looking forward to all the little traditions that have always been done in my family year after year after year. Thanksgiving has always been celebrated with my dad's family; turkey, mashed potatoes, apple pie, Macy's parade, sleeping in and football have been the cornerstone of the day.



This year, however, saw none of the afore mentioned. My parents and I were to fly out to Seattle on Thanksgiving day to visit my brother, who was unable to come home. Despite the fact that my mom tried to temper my frustration at not having a Thanksgiving day feast by providing one last Sunday, I awoke Thursday essentially dreading the coming day. We left at 8am, arrived in Seattle at 8pm, and spent the rest of the evening trying to find somewhere to eat. Not an open restaurant was to be found, so my Thanksgiving feast consisted of about five pieces of ravioli heated in a microwave.



This is a bit of a whiny sob story, but it does have a point. When I walked down the ramp exit in Sea-Tac International Airport toward baggage claim and saw my brother standing there waiting for us, a huge smile on his face, nothing else mattered. Everything that day that had made me wonder why I was sitting on a cramped airplane rather than napping on a couch at grandma's house melted away from my consciousness, and I was left instead with something so much more valuable: love, family, completeness, joy.



This all may sound a bit cliché, but it has left me with a sense of what is really important around the holidays. We become so overinvolved in what we expect and what others expect of us that what's truly valuable is completely lost. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be a family, complete and together, undistracted by life's demands. I'm trying to let go of my innate desire to avoid change, and this was an incredible chance for me to be challenged. I praise God for not allowing me to be happy in my complacence. How much more fulfilling life is, if we will just step out of our box, even if for a moment! A little bit can go such a long way. This all, of course, is applicable to much more than just holiday traditions (let us stretch our minds a little bit here).



Interesting note: I've had 22 Thanksgivings in my life thus far, and I cannot remember any specific memories from a single one. This year, well, I will remember it for the rest of my life.

In the beginning...

I've finally decied to start a blog; I know, welcome to the 21st century, right? I'm still not sure how much I'll make use of it, but I have so many thoughts flying around and colliding in my head lately that this seems to be a way to get some focus and understanding. After all, simply having thoughs isn't enough, is it? How many hundreds or even thousands of brilliant minds have made use of the line "thought without action is meaningless," or some version of it. I will say, humbly, that I consider myself a pretty accomlished thinker; the action part not so much. This is something I'm trying with a lot of effort to change in myself. The words of my mouth, the thoughts in my mind, the feelings from my heart, and the actions displayed through my life must all fall in alignment with one another, for if even one contradicts another, they are all rendered useless. This is my journey.