18-23

As I approach graduation from college, I feel myself approaching a precipice that I am ill-equipped to scale. Where do I go from here, what do I do, who do I keep close and depend on? I also find myself reflecting back to my last graduation, from high school, and how life has changed since then. The person I was in May 2002, she was so different from the person I now look at in the mirror every morning. She was fresh, young, a bit naïve and innocent perhaps, but ready to go out into the world with a strong sense of self and purpose. I knew who I was, what I believed, where I was going, and rarely had a doubt in my mind.

In some moments, I long to go back to that girl, to be that girl, to know who I am and what I’m doing here; I envy her! But at the same time, that is impossible in every way, and not necessarily desirable. Ignorance is not always bliss, and “the unexamined life is not worth living;” though back then I took much time and thought to examine my life, I did so with the same glasses that I had always been using. This is no longer the case, sometimes I feel like everyday I put on a new pair of glasses! I am weary and listless at the same time, a bit jaded but perhaps hopeful still. It has come with a terrible price, but as my friend Hemingway says, “There are some things which cannot be learned quickly, and time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring.” Sometimes I wonder how much I really accomplished in the last five years, how my life resume would appear. Have I truly changed for the better, have the costs been worth it after all? Or will I, five or ten more years down the road, be doing the same thing I am now, looking back to a 23 year girl who I then see as naive, misinformed at best, and waiting on the world to change for me. I hope that is not the case, but I really can't spend too much time dwelling on it. I do believe it is important to keep in mind how our actions have the tendency to affect us down the road; that said, there is enough work to fill today without adding on the worry of tomorrow, for which of us is even guaranteed a tomorrow?

Though I prepare to leave college lacking in a sense of myself (I feel more fractured than ever in my life), I also feel like I have learned a great deal. I may not have the sense of wholeness that I used to possess, but all the little pieces that I now call “Rachel” are mine and of me. They have not come from what I was told to feel or believe, or from another person’s experience or worldview, and are not based purely on reaction to other people and what they will think of me. I may be in pieces, but all the pieces are mine, no others. ( I have of course gathered wonderful advice and encouragement from many along the way, but I no longer blindly ascribe to the words of those I admire or see as an authority above me). Even the pieces of me I'm not exactly proud of, that I may try to keep secret from almost everyone I know, even they have provided me with a perspective I may otherwise have never seen. Who knows how God will use these somewhere down the road.

My experiences since high school have included many joys that I try to remind myself of everyday, though I often struggle. One thing I have learned, though, is that I learn nothing about myself when life is going great; it is in the pain and tragedy that who I am begins to fall into place. Perhaps that is one explanation for human suffering in the world of a God who defines love; thought for another time. I could never have in my wildest dreams imagined what experiences awaited me in the five years of college. I look back at some of the situations I endured and I wonder how I made it through those days. I say this not to glorify myself in any way because my survival is a testament to God and God alone; I am weak and without God I would be, well, I can’t even imagine.

So as the days continue to push me forward, I prepare to step out into the unknown. Unlike my last graduation, I have no idea what’s going on. In some ways I am more alone in this life than I ever have been before; I have been rejected, walked away from, and forgotten many times. But never by God, and He always seems to provide just what I need to get by. I have also been surprised in miraculous ways, accomplished and seen things that I never thought I would, and experienced great love. So if I have just one friend, one dollar to my name, and one dream left, how much more room is left for God to fill with amazing things!

:)